boog (harley) is our adopted son. he was placed in our arms when he was 14 months old on december 10, 2010 by the strongest woman we've ever met, sadie.
boog came to us after years of pain and loss, and there isn't a doubt in our minds that he isn't our son. truly a perfect match for our family.
so enjoy story of our sweet boog. abbreviated to the max, but you'll get the idea.
now, i don't remember exactly why i agreed to go back online.
after two failed adoption attempts, it seems completely asinine to even try, i mean, EVER again to adopt. i figured we could be "DINK's" forever and i could spend my nights sipping hot chocolate ordering whatever the hell i wanted from qvc. (or other varying establishments, probably amazon being the biggest taker of my money) i don't think qvc and amazon can collectively shatter my heart. it's a pretty safe relationship.
however, it happened. josh and i decided to put our adoption profile back online for another go. psh, another go. i was sure it would be another heart break, and then josh would have to admit me to the state hospital, where i could live out my days eating jell-o whilst on a thorazine drip.
sounds lovely.
i figured that because we were chosen so fast for our other almost placements, and they felt so right and perfect, that there was no way we'd experience that again. our wait would be long, arduous, and you know what? i was game for that. no more adoption drama for us, because if one more thing were to happen, i swear to everything that is green and lovely i would have jumped off a cliff.
have i mentioned enough how one more heart break would kill me? well, believe you me, it would have.
we'd been online one whole week when i saw it. the email with the subject line : FW: COUPLE_CONTACT.
safe to say i stopped breathing for at least 61 seconds. no, really. may have been a world record or something. as soon as i realized my lips were turning blue i sucked in a breath and started to read...
Hello my name is Sadie. I have a one year old son named Harley. He is beautiful in every way.
insert tears. i felt something hit my chest so hard.
i screamed. 'JOSH!?'
while he was yelling back, 'what?!' i kept reading...
I saw your picture, Kenna, and I can't imagine Harley going to anyone else...that's kind of premature or blunt for me to say...but that was my initial reaction and the reason why I am so anxious to speak with you. Its for that reason that i dont cry every time I look at Harley. I imagine him there and...the idea honeslty makes me happy and it feels like I can finally breathe.
insert more tears. lots. more. tears.
...roller coaster starts again...
hey sweet sadie,
first off, have to say that we admire your bravery. realizing that there could possibly be more for your sweet little boy than you can provide takes a lot of strength.
your paragraph about seeing my picture has me in tears. we appreciate you being blunt! we need that! adoption is a guessing game most of the time, but when a birth mother is straight forward, it's easier on everyone.
open adoption is a huge yes. it's what we've always wanted for our adopted child. we feel very strongly about any child (or Harley) knowing his birth parents, knowing you love him so much that you are giving him more than what you currently can offer. he will know, Sadie, he will know. we will never cease to express to him the love his birth parents have for him. you can come visit. that's not an issue at all. we would love that. i'm not just saying that as lip service either. we mean it.
not all of the email, but you get the picture.
'good enough studly?!'
'no, really.'
'read it again.'
'THIS IS LIFE OR DEATH TELL ME IF IT'S GOOD!?'
have i ever mentioned studly married a whole lot of crazy?
well, he did.
i pushed the 'send' button then puked. okay, i didn't puke, but i felt like i was going to. then, i sat at the computer pressing refresh for a good five minutes. i know it was ridiculous, but cut me a little slack, eh? we've already established i have issues.
luckily sadie is awesome at emailing, so we didn't have to wait long. this is muy bueno, of course, because when you are waiting to hear from a potential birth mother you are basically walking around in circles, holding your breath and clicking 'refresh' every 27 seconds. oh, and taking a xanax or two.
we told no one, naturally. well, our parents, but the ball stopped there. we couldn't imagine having to tell yet ANOTHER reversal story. our lips were sealed. if this happened, it was going to be a huge surprise for everyone, and if it didn't, well, we didn't have to back track to anyone. public sadness and disappointment is as awful as it gets. luckily this was understood by most.
the emails continued for a month. lots of getting to know each other, getting information about the birth father, talking about harley and what we both wanted for him. it was a very humbling experience, talking with sadie about harley's future. she is as tough as nails, but so tender and loving towards her little guy. it's a combination that is fitting of a birth mother. the more we emailed, we grew closer, and the possibility of an actual placement seemed to come up over the horizon.
this is where i really start to freak out. my past experiences tell me that it all blows up after this. everything feels perfect, it's right, but then someone pulls the rug out from under us and we end up with more brain damage. in my case, that's BAD, because i've sustained a lot already. as much as i loved sadie, i couldn't believe it might actually happen. sadie was on board, but we weren't sure about the birth father at all. this is enough to make studly and i soil our pants. you know our issues with birth fathers. we didn't trust them as far as we could throw them, and i can't throw very far. like, at all. especially no 25 year old dude. my instant reaction was i would rather kick him in the groin before i'd trust him.
after all the emails, sadie decided she would bring harley up to meet us over thanksgiving. not only that, but the birth father (glenn) had agreed to meet us too, so meeting sadie, glenn and harley all at the same time.
this time i totally puked.
i sat through thanksgiving dinner with only harley on my mind. i went through all the scenarios, well, basically all the bad scenarios. obviously my brain has issues with positivity, but we were prepared as much as we could be. i mean, we've done this twice already. the gifts were wrapped, my barf bag was tucked neatly under my shirt, we got in the car, buckled up, and took deep breaths. . .
...harley...installment three...
i sat in the car staring forward.
'you have to get out of the car ya know,' studly said.
we walked into the agency with our arms full of gifts. our wonderful case worker, K, met us as we arrived.
'ready for this?' she had a big grin on. 'harley is just, adorable.'
i'm pretty sure at this point i wasn't breathing (i am also pretty sure this is where all the brain damage comes from) and as case worker K tried to walk us back to the room, i kept stopping dead in my tracks. seriously, if i hadn't taken so much time getting ready, i would have puked on myself.
oh, speaking of getting ready, let me tell you a side story. we woke up and were getting ready for this face to face (adoption lingo, legit right?) and come to find out our water has been turned off. yes, they were fixing a pipe and we had zero. water. thank you janel, my bestie for life, for letting us sneak into your house and shower. we had minutes to spare! go figure, right?
we walked into the room. i think i sucked in air so hard that every one heard. this was to keep from bawling, because that was the instant reaction i had when i saw sadie and harley. we greeted sadie with hugs, and a hand shake for glenn. harley gave us a big grin and went back to playing with some rubber balls on the floor.
glenn was personable, and took over the conversation from the start. we had been talking to sadie for a month, and hadn't ever talked to glenn, so i suppose that meant it went well. sadie edged in some tidbits about what brought her to think of adoption, what she wanted for harley. glenn did too, saying the little guy needed two parents. (our jaws dropped. really? a birth father was saying this?) as the conversation continued, harley eventually came to check us out. when i picked him up i felt something hit my chest again. we gave him a present, a soft blanket, and he sat on my lap eating goldfish as we talked. (still holding my breath a bit, surprised i haven't ever passed out from this?) i handed harley over to josh, whom he immediately took to. it was unbelievable to watch. it felt as if they were bonded from an earlier time. they knew each other, it had just been a while.
the meeting came to a close, and case worker K promised it went well. they would be talking to sadie and glenn about their true intentions, glenn's relinquishment, details, etc. we wouldn't know until that evening if anything would even move forward.
needless to say? looooooong day.
that night i received an email from case worker K. they loved us. we were, 'their kind of people.'
glenn would be signing relinquishment at noon the next day.
cue the puking.
that meant, if glenn were to truly sign as he said, we would be planning a trip to texas for placement with sadie, and we would indeed, be blessed with a son.
more puking.
we didn't sleep. correction, i didn't sleep.
noon came and went.
nothing.
1 pm. nothing.
2 pm. nothing.
3 pm. still. nothing.
around five o'clock that night we get a text from case worker K...
'buy your plane tickets!'
view from my plane window. texas bound.
it was a full week in between meeting sadie & harley and boarding a plane heading for texas.
want to know what i did for that week? you guessed it. i puked, hyperventilated, and did not pack until the day before we left. i'm positive i thought up every reason not to go. to call the whole thing off for the sake of protecting myself, my studly and my family. then, i thought of one good reason to board that plane.
harley was my son. i knew it.
then again, i'm ashamed to say even those deep feelings didn't keep me from shaking. in my head i was certain this was going to fall apart, and i'd travel home, alone, once again.
the flight to texas is about 3 hours. 3 hours is a long time to think. truth be told i pumped some xanax into my system so i could handle the flight (i am not a good flyer) and handle my thoughts. i had eerie flash backs to reno. boarding a plane to get my little one. it was all too familiar. i'm pretty sure my poor therapist received 103 emails from the flight alone. all of them begging her to lay out a plan for when i came home empty handed.
studly has this uncanny ability to sleep on planes, the punk, so i sat there with tunes in my ears and cheap pretzels in my mouth. seriously, why do i even let them feed me that junk? i regret it every time. oh, and that small cup of coke? do you think that's enough to wash these things down? never. i'm too much of a pansy to ask for more. i may or may not have snuck some of studly's sprite (such a big kid drink, right?) while he was snoozing. i was desperate.
as the plane touched down, i grabbed the barf bag and stuffed it in my lap top case. at the rate i was going, i was sure to need it. it crossed my mind to grab more as i exited, but that is a little ridiculous. even for me.
wanna know something amazing about san antonio in december? it's warm. like 83 degrees the day we got there. you had better believe i had flip flops in my carry on, to which i quickly switched into shortly after stepping outside.
paradise, people.
we hopped into our rental car (a kia rio, which i do NOT recommend), cranked the air, and said a prayer that the english lady on the gps system was familiar with texas. if not, we were screwed. luckily, she must have taken texas 101 because we made it safe to studly's cousin's house. she and her husband were most amazing and allowed us to use their house as a hotel for 2 weeks. seriously, you can only imagine the money that saved us. also, she lived a whole 19 miles from sadie's house. luck or what?
after settling in we primped, put on another layer of deodorant (like i said, it was warm) and headed to sadie's house. the scary thing about this meeting was her whole family would be there. mom, dad, and a few siblings still living at home. you think it's hard to impress a birth mother, try impressing a birth mother's mother.
thankfully sadie's family embraced as their own. it was actually quite amazing. it reminded me of rachel's parents and family, and how they took me in while we were fighting for kate. there are amazing people in this world, and i have had the opportunity to meet most of them. we were greeted with hugs and tears and the one thing that brings everyone together; food. the conversation was easy, and my nerves were calmed.
best part? seeing our little harley man again. oh how that child make my heart melt. he is a little dream come true.
before we parted for the night, studly had his first tender moment with little studly...
daddy rocking his new little guy to sleep.
sorry for the bad quality photo, iphone fails some times.
this was the beginning of something amazing. it had to be.
i'm not going to lie, the weeks we spent in texas were hard.
after the first initial day, we set up a routine. studly and i would arrive at sadie's home in the morning so harley could adapt to our presence. as the days continued, we would take him on small outings and be his primary care takers while sadie was at work or school. then, after the first week, we would have placement and then we'd take harley to where we were staying so we could adapt to night time. we couldn't go home straight away because there are lots of papers that need to be signed, sealed and delivered for legal clearance out of texas. i already hate airports, i wasn't about to be arrested in one for leaving too early.
plus texas weather is divine.
like i've said, harley and studly's bond was instant. i was having issues with bonding, i wouldn't hold harley, wouldn't really involve myself with his every day needs. i let studly take the lead since harley was comfortable with him. since sadie hadn't signed, i was still stressed to my max and in constant fear of another failed placement. i didn't want to get close to the little man for fear i'd have to leave him. please, don't get me wrong, i've loved him since the day i laid eyes on him, but after 2 horrid experiences my brain won out over my heart, and i backed away. i'm a blessed woman to have studly. he is an excellent father, has been from day one. he also understood my fears and inabilities at the time, so he wasn't resentful of having to take on almost 100% of the parental duties.
i realize this makes me sound like a grade crap mom from the start, but please understand how much our past experiences influenced me. they told me it was was post traumatic stress, and it was to be expected. i, of course, figured i should be able to, 'just get over it' as i had a sweet little boy at my feet. i wish it was that easy. it was hard and draining to push myself to bond with harley. i figured if he could adapt to me being around, the rest would fall into place gradually when we came home.
after what seemed like 17 years (try 7 days) placement was scheduled. december 10, 2010.
i've always heard placement was this super emotional, crazy experience. i've heard good things, i've heard bad things, and since i've never really been able to follow through with one i had no clue what to expect.
sadie's case worker came to her house, we sat in a circle with tv trays, and the dictation of what sadie would be signing began.
the strength sadie showed, the way she signed the papers without hesitation, and with intent to give her son what she knew was best, well, it still makes me choke up. it was simple. it was done quickly. then to our papers. same thing, read aloud, we agreed, signed, notarized, el fin.
our papers were handed to us.
sadie's papers were handed to her.
(insert huge sigh here)
we folded up the trays, and sadie went to work.
no big hurrah's. no pictures. just the solid knowledge that what just happened, what we had all done there that day, was the right thing. the best thing.
that night, as we took harley back to where we were staying, i silently cried as i held his little hand in mine. i was breathing normally for the first time in over 8 months. it was done. not to be broken. this was our son, and he would be coming home with us...
descending into salt lake city
as we descended into salt lake city, harley was curled up in my arms, the turbulence and landing rumbles rocking him to sleep. (not to worry though, the kid is a master flyer) Studly looked at me and said, 'what a little punk' as we would have enjoyed his slumber throughout the entire flight, not just the landing.
the flight(s) home (yes, we had to switch planes in colorado) gave me ample time to ponder how i was returned to a life that did not exist when i left. it was unnerving, to say the least. here i am, 25, clueless, and there is a sleeping 14 month old in my lap. my first thoughts...
'um, what do we do when we get off the plane? we go home? like, with harley?'
studly said that he was pretty sure that was the idea, although we could be wrong, but probably weren't. that's how adoption works when it works right. you physically take the child home with you, to you know, like, live and stuff.
yeah, guess what i did? puked.
mmk, not really, but like every other moment of this journey i wanted to, bad. adoption has permanently messed up my stomach...and brain. however, when it works right, it's a beautiful thing, even if puke is involved.
so that's what we were to do. strap this kiddo in a car seat and take him home. after that? i had no clue. feed him? ah yes, mmk, oh, and change him probably. these are all no brainers, obviously, the the weight of what was happening turned my head around. oh, and by turn i mean spin fast. i just brought home a child. a child who was in my custody, who i was soley (with studly) responsible for.
if that isn't enough to make someone soil there pants, friends, i don't know what is.
we exited the plane. diaper bag on one shoulder (weird) kid on the other. as we walked out of the terminal, we see a fellow that looks just like my uncle.
happy days, it WAS. he was flying in from colorado to see my grandma, and just happened to get in only a half an hour before us. my mom had told him we would be coming home with harley, and he wanted to be the first to greet us.
lemme tell you something people, there is NO greater feeling than seeing someone you love after a 2 week adoption journey away from home. hugs and tears and beers all around! (okay, no beers, but hugs and tears were plentiful) he helped us with our billion (okay six ((yes SIX checked bags)) plus carry ons) bags as we headed for the exit, at which my darling mother and newly appointed gram was waiting.
(no judging these pictures, long flights out of san antonio at four am with a toddler. you'd look worse...)
you'd think i hadn't seen my mom in 17 years.
(harley is checking out his gram's sweet ride)
more tears. lots more tears. seeing your mom look at her grandchild for the first time will melt. your. heart. even if it's black and icy like mine.
this DID happen. as i type this my kid is sleeping on the couch next to me. he sounds like a purring cat. i've been asked if all the pain was worth it. you know, i was scared i wouldn't be able to answer such a question, but i can.
yes, yes it was.
for those of you who are and have traveled the road i did, hope remains. i know it sounds trite, especially coming from someone on the, 'other side' but it's there. something is in the works.
when you arrive at your destination, when that child is placed in your arms, you will feel the hurt and sorrow melt off your heart. you will take a deep breath, probably the first in a long time. you will say, 'god is good' and offer up a thankful prayer. in those moments you will realize that it was, indeed, worth every moment of pain.
you WILL triumph. i promise.
we are proof.
