...coasters : an analogy of sorts...

i went to cedar point this past weekend. oh my, how i LOVE roller coasters. this place is like six flags on steroids AND crystal meth. that intense. that awesome. 

this trip sparked something in my brain and its dusty wheels started to turn. (seriously, the blog has been neglected and my brain has been in hyper sleep) 

so, run with me for a moment on this... the best roller coasters at cedar point have crazy line times. there is a new coaster and on opening day the lines were four to five hours long!  sometimes people wonder who would ever stand in a line for that long.  me, that's who.  mmk, so the lines weren't that bad on saturday, but still, long lines for lots of coasters.  i think it's worth it.  sure, waiting in line is never that fun.  especially when there is this twelve year old justin bieber wannabe who keeps telling his friends to cut the line.  at the end of the day, however, when you've endured the heat and the wait and you've told that wanna be bieber to pipe the eff down, you get to the platform.  ah, the platform.  the gate opens, and you strap yourself in for the best two minutes and seventeen seconds ever.  as you exit the ride, you might be a little worse for wear, and you probably have a headache, but you tell everyone at the end of the line that it's totally worth it.  

sometimes people go straight from the exit to the end of the line.  it was that great.  they are all about taking the beating again.  some get back in line after a quick sprint to the bathroom and back.  others get in line but leave half way to the platform.  then there are people like me.  i walk it off.  i enjoy the fact that i rode the coaster, i relish the memories of the coaster, but i'm completely content to walk around the park watching others ride the coasters.  until i see that maybe it was totally worth riding a second time.  this is what my i hear in my brain...

maybe i'm missing out? 

naw, it was great, but i don't need that headache again.

look at how happy the people who rode it twice are!

i'm happy i rode it once.  i'm fine!

maybe there is a benefit riding it twice?

why?  to get beat up and want to open hand slap a twelve year old?

i'm fine.

imfineimfineimfine.

 right. 

so.

i rode the adoption coaster.  i waited in the line.  dealt with setbacks and heartache but stayed in that freaking line.  i got to the platform.  i spent a whirlwind two weeks in texas and got off the ride with an amazing little boy.  i've been walking around 'the park' with my little guy, watching him grow, being completely content with what i have.  i see others getting back in line. getting off the ride with another little one to add to their family.  i tell myself that it's great for them, but i'm okay.  one ride.  one perfect little boy.  until my heart starts to ache.  until i want to see my son as a big brother.  until i fess up that, as selfish as it may be, i want a newborn.  

imfineimfineimfine.

too bad it's not as easy as riding a roller coaster.

this is so hard.  adoption is so depleting.  it comes to a point where i sob well into the night.  where someone i know has a surprise pregnancy with their fifth and i wish that's how it worked for me.  where i hate my body...no, where i loathe my body so deeply i can barely look myself in the mirror.  where every avenue we try to take to help us get to the platform fails.  where i am so defeated that i can no longer see the joy in any of it.  

coasters, friends.

roller coasters.

imfineimfineimfine

 

...national infertility awareness week : beginnings...

national infertility awareness week is upon us.  i love this week, especially when it comes to social media.  so many are banding together to raise awareness, to educate, to advocate, and to embrace those suffering with infertility/sterility.  i've spent the past three days wondering what i could possibly post this week.  last year i invited my family and friends to guest post about their experiences with infertility, whether it was something they personally struggled with or something their friends and family struggled with.  it was amazing.  i was moved by the words of those that i love.  i encourage you to check out those posts.  (you can find those posts here)

this week i'm going to share parts of my story that i've never posted before.  starting at the beginning.  it really blows my mind when i realize it's been six plus years of infertility struggle.  i don't know how i've survived.  i have no clue how anyone survives. pardon my lack of a kicking vocabulary, but it really just sucks.  plain and simple.  however, it doesn't have to always suck.  it doesn't have to always feel like there is a brick wall crushing your heart.

today i want to talk about seeking support during the early stages of your infertility journey.  this is, without a doubt, terrifying.  i remember after my last miscarriage i knew something was wrong.  i knew my body wasn't capable of carrying a pregnancy.  i knew i was in for one hell of a storm.  even through the loss of our daughter and the miscarriages, i didn't know how to ask for help.  i didn't know where to turn.  i remember curling up in the bathtub and letting the shower run until it as freezing cold.  my body refused to move.  as cliche and pathetic as it sounds, i was completely numb with pain.  

i felt so alone.  

i felt that there was not a human being on the earth that could possibly understand.

i was destroyed.

from what i can remember, i sunk inside myself.  i bottled the pain, shoved it down, locked it in the cellar.  i am blessed with amazing friends who, even though it was so hard to reach me, never gave up.  they encouraged me to write, which became a door into a community that to this day is dear to my heart.  family.  it took time, though.  how could i possible explain the hurt?  how could they understand?  would they judge me?  would i be shut down if i opened up?  did i want to let others in?  did they want in?

would they accept me...even though i was terribly broken?

in the summer of 2009, i wrote an email to one lindsey r.  i was certain that i wouldn't get a response (who would respond to a random, creeper stranger?!), but i wanted to reach out and let her know that her blog had really helped me.  it was through reading her story (and many others) that i started to feel less alone.  i felt connected to women i'd never met.  we had already received the diagnoses of me never being able to carry a child, or getting pregnant for that matter.  (the pregnancies i had were a medical mystery to my physicians) studly was ready to move forward with the adoption process, but i wasn't sure.  the stories i read of brave women in like situations gave me strength.  

they. made. me. brave.

so i wrote lindsey a simple email that read,

"I have found myself in dark places for the past 2 years and have not been able to derive much hope from anything.  It's been a long road that we aren't even close to being finished with.  As my husband and I prepared to move forward with adoption, I found that I was so unsure, scared, helpless.

Your blog has given me the hope I have prayed so hard for.  At times I wonder if Heavenly Father listens, but i know He realizes what I truly do need"

lindsey responded,

"thank you so much for your email. seriously ...you have no idea how much I needed to hear your words today. you touched my heart.

there isn't much to say other than you are going through THE hardest trial i can think of. it's not fair ...but it can be okay. i know it can.

how can i help you?

much, much love!"

HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

those words are so powerful.  since then, i have made so many connections.  i have become friends with women who i claim as sisters.  my heart has been mended by the strength of others.  my heart continues to be healed by them.  you know, i used to think i was a fool for writing this blog.  the beginnings of my story seemed so trite and pathetic at the time, and i was positive no one was even listening.

i was wrong, and i'm so glad i was.  

we are here to help each other.  we HAVE to help each other or we will not survive this.  if you are reading this and haven't been able to reach out, please, connect with us.  your heart is safe here.  here are some ideas from my amazing friends on how you can reach out and find comfort, peace, and acceptance.  

-connect with individuals via blogs.  bust out a google search and start reading.  don't be afraid to comment or email.  you'll probably make a life long friend.

-get out into the community.  see if there is an infertility awareness group in your area, a conference, anything that you can go to and meet others who are in similar situations.

-if you are in the position to, adopt a pet.  i had a turtle, a bird, and a bunny before boog came into our lives.  of course it's different, but having my little bunny to snuggle with seemed to lessen the pain somewhat.  

-check out the resolve website.  there are message boards and forums you can join.

-try to laugh.  i've been told 999reasonstolaugh.com is a good one.  i'm a fan of theoatmeal.com myself.  

-search out a recommended therapist.  this is something i did and therapy really helped me.

-research!  we still have those things call libraries.  there are many a good book out there on infertility and how to cope. 

-start writing!  blogs have the ability to bind us together.  it's incredible. 

these are just a few ideas, and there are so many. YOU deserve to have a support network.  do not go through this alone for one more second.  

not one more second, mmk?

HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

amen god bless

(i'll be adding to this post a list of blogs, websites, and books that can be of help to those struggling with infertility.)

 

...foxes hunt the hounds...

hi.

remember me?  

maybe?

i'm still here.  i think..

ohio is hectic.  i often wonder what the hell i was thinking going back to school.  it seriously makes life about 500 times more intense.  especially considering i threw biology out the window and decided to start over with psychology.  i studied human biology/cell biology/blah blah blah with the hopes of ending up in the medical field but after being a medical patient for so long, the desire left me.  so, my hope is that i can eventually get into a good masters program (either in psychology or social work) and end up working as a clinician/social worker with an adoption agency.  really, though, i've had so many affirmations about this choice and honestly, after what happened to us with kate, i don't even want that to happen to anyone else.  the birth father didn't feel like he was 'represented' or 'heard.'  now, i don't know how much of his crap i believed (his actions spoke louder than his words) but my hope is i can do what that one case worker didn't.  (long story short, she was so awful and we don't speak her name in this house)  anyway, i'm sure you all wanted that update. 

i've had a lot on my mind lately, which usually comes out on the blog but i haven't been able to get words into a cohesive post.  it's been curiously quiet around here, hasn't it?  i don't know, i'm just a hot mess.  with a lot in my hot mess mind.  you ready for this hot mess of a post?  

WAH BAM! YOU'VE BEEN HOT MESSED!

that doesn't sound right, does it?

so, i have this negative internal dialogue (thank you tiff for giving it a name) and she has been really loud lately.  today she was practically screaming at me.  her go to is usually to insult me as a mother.  after that, she attacks my body image.  this is usually enough to make me cry, and that shuts her up for a bit.  maybe she feels bad?  i don't know, but anyway, today she took it a step further.  she went after my intelligence.  i was in my abnormal psych class and my professor explained how she was a, 'geriatric neuropsychologist'. did i mention that she is only 26?  yeah.  now, normally i would shrug this off because so what?  i'm 28, i have a degree and i may not be a neuropsychologist, but i've survived a different life.  i have an amazing husband and a beautiful son.  so, i may not have achieved that much as far as school/career is concerned, but that isn't any reason to feel less than, right?  

well, today all i heard was 'WRONG.'  i let my negative internal dialogue EAT.  ME.  ALIVE.  

"you're a fool.  you'll never be that smart.  you are fat.  you are an awful mom.  you should be skinnier.  no one stays this fat after all you've been though.  you need to be a better teacher to harley.  you need to be a better wife to josh.  you need to be better with everything because you suck at everything."

that is on repeat in my head.  i started crying after my abnormal psych class and couldn't make it through my cognitive psych class.  nice, kenna.  missing class is totally going to help you get that masters degree, right?  

i came home and took a walk with my family.  while we were walking, josh and i talked about our future house.  we know that it is still a little ways away (you know, student loans) but this is all going to be so worth it.  you know, because josh and i REALLY want a slide from the main floor to the basement ball pit (this is not a joke) as well as a boat.  we are totally getting a boat.  now, harley got sick of this talk (although he voted 'yes' on the ball pit) so we talked about and found different colors on the way home.  

POINT BEING...

my internal dialogue needs to shut the hell up.

yeah, i'm chubby...er...really chubby.  i'm not 26 and working on my dissertation.  i'm totally not super mom and sometimes harley is in his under wear all day.  i don't always make dinner and my house isn't perfect and i do not do any crafts or decorate or successfully do any of the things i pin on pinterest.  i definitely don't rub my husband's feet.  holy crap, there are SO MANY THINGS i'm not. 

but...

i'm a survivor.  brain tumors, infertility, reversed adoption to name a few.  i'm the wife that followed her husband 1,800 miles to ohio so he could follow the dream he's had for years.  i'm the mom who loves her kiddo fiercely and does everything in my power to give him a great life. i'm a loving daughter and sister. i'm a loyal friend.  i do the best i can with what i have.  

ugh, why do we let that voice get us down?!  (i am assuming that i'm not the only one with this problem)

i'm trying to be more positive about myself, and ho boy, it's a process, but these thoughts do nothing for me nor my family.  these type of thoughts do nothing but hurt, tear down, and keep people from seeing the good in themselves.  

shut up the negative inner dialogue.  they win too much.


amen god bless.

 

...we pay tuition (neomed harlem shake)...

...this is what we get in return.

watch it.  seriously.

pay close attention to the bottom left hand corner.

wah bam.

 

...voices from the underground...

 

So, I found a boulder and hid under it.  I like it under here.  It's a nice boulder.  I have even been fortifying my boulder.  It's a safe boulder. 

It's also a lonely boulder.

This happens every once and a while around here.  Basically everything gets too intense for me to consciously handle, so I put my head down and press forward in survival mode.  My walls go up.  I shut out everything slash everyone that doesn't require me to be present; that doesn't require depth.  I stick around for my husband and my child, but I'm afraid everything else is put on pause.  It doesn't mean I don't love those I'm not talking to, or that I don't love what I'm not doing.  There are just pieces I need to put together before coming out from under my boulder. 

Oh I come up for air every now and again, and hanging out under my boulder doesn't mean I hate my life.  It's the opposite.  I know that I need to focus on the most important, the most cellular parts of my life and distractions are something my poor mind can't tolerate.  If you know me this is something that shouldn't surprise you.  Too much stimuli causes me to retreat.  I need alone time daily to recharge, to think, to asses and reassess and plan.  I need time daily to breathe. 

Naturally, blogging goes first.  If I can't even boil a pot of water without freaking out (this has happened, talk to me later) then writing is out of the question.  Writing isn't something that I am naturally good at.  It has taken time, practice, and practice.  Sometimes I get super lucky and I can sit down and puke out something spectacular.  However, this is rare, and my posts can spend weeks as drafts.  Aside from blogging, I've limited my facebook and instagram viewing.  I am so attached to technology, to social media, it's actually embarrassing.  In fact, I still can't bring myself to turn off my phone at night.  Even more embarrassing, I can't even put it on the dresser across the room.  I blame this on pinterest.  I also blame this on my ocd and anxiety. Friends, struggling with both of these disorders is basically throwing a match into a room full of explosives and yelling, 'have fun!' right before everything explodes. (oh, and it always explodes) What if something happens to my family slash friends slash who knows and a call comes in at three in the am and I don't answer?!  Yes, this thought goes through my brain every. single. night.  Along with so many others...truly it's a wonder I sleep at all.  Luckily I have an amazing husband and amazing friends who have been praying fervently that I'll start sleeping.  I was going days without more than a hour or two of sleep at night.  Me on day three of no sleep is like me right after a surgery.  Except when it's me sleep deprived I'm still walking around, using heavy machinery, and you know, ovens and faucets and stuff.  I totes still have all my fingers and toes.  Miracle. 

I'm slowly coming out from under my boulder.  It's probably safe to say I am basically bambi.  I'm skittish.  Slow to respond but quick to run away.  I've spent a lot of time rebuilding my walls and I fear they are stronger than ever.  It's mind blowing.  Sometimes when you are trying so hard to find yourself , you bury yourself. 

I won't be buried any longer.  It's time to feel the sun on my face.

amen god bless.

 

...lighter and brighter...

i have something great to talk to you about, my awesome readers.  listen up.  well, read up.  either/or.

fate has allowed me to cross paths with aubrey, an amazing lady who is doing amazing things with her amazing talents.  she is a professional mentor and she focuses on working with women to help them move through the many stresses, pressures, and expectations that accompany life.  these are things i struggle with daily, and i am so excited to be working with aubrey myself.  truly there isn't a kinder woman.  aubrey cares deeply for others and wants to help women live boldly and shine brighter.

she is having a free presentation this week and i strongly recommend any of you lovely ladies taht can attend to do so!  no harm in seeing if this could help you, right?  EXACTLY!

 

if you have any questions, feel free to shoot me an email, or go ahead and email aubrey.  

again, my friends, this will be so worth your time!

(this post was not compensated.  my thoughts are my own and i truly hope you will all consider attending!)

 

 

...six...

“God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality. He knew it already. It was I who didn't. In this trial He makes us occupy the dock, the witness box, and the bench all at once. He always knew that my temple was a house of cards. His only way of making me realize the fact was to knock it down.”

                                                                                                              c.s. lewis, 'a grief observed'

                                                                  

i can't really fathom the fact that i have put six years between me and the experience of losing our firstborn.  then again, it feels like i have finally been freed from the days when it was so painful to breathe on this day.  in the moment the sentiment, 'time heals all wounds' seemed cold and confusing, for time could surely not heal my broken heart nor bring our sweet daughter back to us.  however, as i live and breathe this day, like it were any other day, i realize that time does, if we allow it, slowly heal our broken souls.  

i can't say i'm grateful for what happened, and i'm not sure i ever will be able to say it, but i can say that i'm grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who knew what i would need to heal.  i am grateful for what i've learned, for the journey that has followed, and for the opportunities my experience has presented me.  

you know, i really don't understand most things.  i'm an infant when it comes to any sort of knowledge of God, but i do know He is so very much aware of us.  that He is never hidden from us.  it is because of Him, and His Son, that i am alive...breathing...healed.  i will see her again.  i'm her mother, yesterday, today, forever.  

addalyn leise
january 5, 2007

"a perfect halo
of gold hair and lightning
sets you off against
the planet's last dance"  

photo by the talented jenny wheeler.

 

 thank you to my sweet friends, lindsey, leisha and kimmie.  this is the picture i keep in my house to remember her.  the nurses gave us the option of having our picture taken with her and some taken of her, but i refused. so while i have ultrasound pictures, and we did take one photo of her that has some how gotten lost in the shuffle, this has been the best way for me to keep her close. 

more on my religion here.